WHAT THE DOM TAUGHT ME ABOUT CONSENT

I NEVER EXPECTED TO FIND MYSELF IN THE WORLD OF BDSM. TO ME IT WAS A MISUNDERSTOOD UNIVERSE, FAR REMOVED FROM WHAT I HAD ALWAYS KNOWN. BUT CURIOSITY AND A VERYS EXY MAN, LED ME DOWN A PATH THAT FUNDAMENTALLY ALTERED MY UNDERSTANDING OF RELATIONSHIPS, TRUST, AND, MOST CRITICALLY, PERMISSION.

This all started as simple conversation on a dating app when I was in my early 20s. His profile was very hot, confident and but also friendly. He was a Daddy type, but it was what he wrote that struck me- “Into complex, but not complicated experiences with hot boys. If we fuck, expect to spend the night.” I chased him hard, but he was elusive. When we finally met, the calm authority that captivated and comforted me was real. And, as he for told, I did indeed spend the night.

The more we connected, the more he began to push me sexually. At some point I remember saying, “you can do anything to me” — and after eating my ass, bent over a wooded sex horse, he proceeded to fuck me with a large rubber billy club and beat my ass with it. I wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t say no, and I still felt safe, but I also wasn’t sure I said yes. He asked many times if I was ok, but he never asked if I wanted him to stop. He made me cry, he used me, and all of it turned me on more than any man I had ever been with.

I didn’t know the intricacies of BDSM, not just as a practice, but as a philosophy based on mutual respect and understanding. What I hadn’t realized, but would learn later was “you can do anything” was a form of consent. With feelings both vulnerable and elated while he cuddled me, he asked, “Do you understand why consent is so vital in this dynamic?”

I believed I had the answer. After all, consent is a necessary component of any good relationship, correct? But what he revealed with me went way beyond a simple yes/no. This was what he taught me.

EXPLICIT COMMUNICATION

BDSM emphasizes the importance of explicit communication. Before any scene, we would sit down and go over boundaries, wants, and constraints in great detail. He taught me the value of being open about my comfort levels, no matter how small they were. It wasn’t just about saying “yes” or “no”; it was about comprehending the intricacies of my wishes and anxieties.

THE POWER OF SAFE WORDS

The concept of safe words was new to me. He emphasized that in the heat of the moment, it might be difficult to distinguish between discomfort and distress. A safe word was our fail-safe, a simple yet powerful instrument that allowed us to stop or slow down if things became overwhelming. We used the stop light method. Green was good to go, more, don’t stop. Yellow was the threshold area, it meant don’t stop but pull back, allow space. Red was full stop. The goal was to have me always in yellow. This practice taught me a profound respect for my own boundaries and the value of having a clear means to communicate them.

MUTUAL RESPECT

What impressed me the most was the mutual respect that existed. He wasn’t my boyfriend, we knew very little about each others external lives, and while I was likely falling in love with him, I knew I wasn’t his only boy. Yet as the Dom, he never enforced his will without my enthusiastic approval. He would constantly check in throughout scenes to see how I was feeling and if I wanted to continue. This frequent reinforcement of my liberty was empowering, as opposed to popular culture’s generally one-sided depictions of power dynamics.

EMOTIONAL AFTERCARE

Another revelation came in the form of aftercare. Following an intense session, he would embrace me, reassure me, and ensure my mental and physical well-being. He would tell me I was good, special, thank me. This period of care and attention was critical for processing the experience and preserving our D/s bond. It underlined that our partnership was more than just physical activities; it was also about caring and supporting one another.

TRANSLATING CONSENT FOR EVERYDAY LIFE

He taught me about consent in ways that went well beyond our BDSM experiences. I grew more aware of my needs and more assertive in communicating them. In my daily life, I began practicing direct communication and asking friends and partners about their comfort levels. This new attitude to consent has improved all of my relationships, making them more respectful and enjoyable.

A LIFE LESSON

Looking back, I realize that what I learnt about consent from his was invaluable. It is a lesson on trust, respect, and the importance of open communication. In a culture where consent is frequently misunderstood or neglected, my involvement with the BDSM community has given me a deep respect for its significance.

In the end, my exploration of BDSM was about more than just kink; it was about discovering myself. I learned the true meaning of permission from a patient and courteous Dom, and it is a lesson I will remember for the rest of my life.